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To Be Quiet

by girlfriend.

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    Double 12" Vinyl LP of 'To Be Quiet' pressed on black heavyweight 175g vinyl.
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1.
Bury This 01:00
x
2.
Child 05:45
I was a child She’d come into my bedroom When it was dark Ma would laugh Like a witch and it would Scare the shit out of me I was a child You were in the kitchen I told you that i was going to make my Holy Communion Then Papa cried And I asked why He said its cause he wasn't invited I know now that that was a lie And i'm still that child I'm still that child I'm still that child An uncomfortable sweat creeps My teeth turn soft in my cottonmouth And i can't hear you now I try to swim in it - my golden loneliness Combing arms for the answers while still reliving her cancers Keeping everything in and close to my wrists Thinking often of the days you’d miss The gurn of my jaw wears me down Sometimes everything slows around At times I fall back into that old pain with small hands knocking soft brains They walk down freezing sea lanes I am a house hidden in the Mourne Mountains buried behind the trees Your crooked smile in that slight dark with your bones fucking all your skin Like a skeleton under a sheet But beautiful to me We were starved of and stuffed with sleep I think it’s time to leave I was a child You were in the kitchen I told you that I was going to make my Holy Communion Then papa cried And I asked why He said it’s cause he wasn't invited I know now that that was a lie And I'm still that child I'm still that child I'm still that child In your cold bed I met a tiny death Mattress floating in the kitchen Bury it Bury this Fuck it all In a memory grave
3.
Empty Room 03:24
I’m clear I am clear Patience got me here I'm drunk and lending an ear Soothing the pain I’m clear I am clear Failure got me here In someone else's gaff Scratching the shame in my bones Stooped over the sink I was spitting blood This love hurting so good I’m squeezing my thumbs and this pain tasting so alone laid up in bed with a heartache and I fucked it all away then With punched fists And dragged knuckles over Red brick walls Opening my skin I am sinking lower now I am slipping lower down Pleasant dystopia All laid bare and tender Visions of paranoid hands came into the water Tread, tread gently on Spitting black each morning Longing for all Longing for nothings Listless energies collide and burn to hide away for hours And hours and hours and hours and hours and hours Until the dark encroaches and covers all
4.
Four Walls 01:27
This feeling Is never far from me This place Is soul crushing My name Carved on your wall I try To forget it all Now I can’t sleep I see it in everything Now I cant sleep I see you in everything Four walls I painted red A weight Pressing on my head Four walls I painted red A weight Pressing on my head Now I can’t sleep I see it in everything Now I cant sleep I see you in everything
5.
January 19th 04:23
I am travelling backwards I go backwards and feel childlike Is this what healing is? A repeating unfeeling? Over and over again? My mothers love pulls me through His heart shrank and my pain grew My body is burning I’m learning you won’t be coming back I haven't cried since you left Taste of Motillium fast melts in my mouth Fucking minging Primary school The star of the sea Blurs all around me Thought I heard the wail of a banshee I do be squeezing my eyes and puking I always say the wrong thing Today the walls were smushing Empty in his absence Shook the gaff around me Roaring and shouting all me fears Screaming into me ears You’re long gone My heart will itch for years Do you think you're better off alone? I have nothing left to give to you I changed myself because of you Left on the shelf for you Bell tolling Church tower Honey blue essence romance revealed sour I’ve been telling fibs I’m a faker I’m a joker I think I changed for you? Spitting and grinding sentimental devotions Expectorating it from my mouth and my chest Masticating away at my heart On the margins of my mind Bate me so fucken bad Brought me to tears Burnt the fucken ears red off of me Is this what healing is? A repeated unfeeling?
6.
Trust 03:59
Take off your coat How could i? Dressed in white How could i? Swallow it down How could i? Sit in the shame Trust He remembers the first time I won’t He remembers the first time I don’t He remembers the first time I won’t He remembers the first time I don’t Trust Say goodbye to yourself Say goodbye
7.
Revenge 05:35
If I could hold you again Pray for revenge I think I'd crush you And you’d run right through My fingers Are shaking Forgiving Nothing And rest never comes And peace never comes And calm never comes And what's done is done This hatred A blanket I sleep with To keep me warm Then you’ll learn regret Death is orange Then you’ll learn regret
8.
Prologue 02:55
I was a child She’d come into my bedroom When it was dark And ma would laugh Like a witch and it would Scare the shit outta me I was a child You were in the kitchen I told you that i was going to make my holy communion Then papa cried And I asked why He said it’s cause he wasn't invited I know now that that was a lie And i'm still that child I'm still that child I'm still that child I was a child In your cold bed I met a tiny death You turned out the light in the last room on the right And I met a tiny death I was a child Mattress floating in the kitchen First voyage of my life I wrapped myself in my words and You said it's been a while You said it's been a while And i'm still that child
9.
Repent 04:03
Broken syntax at my feet Of words i'm still afraid to speak I see her when I close my eyes All birthday candles and cable ties and I'm so good at keeping secrets and You're so good at telling lies Happens every time When you go please let me know When I go I must repent Shapes i've built my life around Our bodies lying on the ground I swear i’d carve the stone myself And shed this light for someone else Every night when I undress Another stone upon my chest I try put this to rest When you go please let me know When I go I must repent
10.
Girlhood 01:59
This bed is crushing Brain is cooking She's not coming Goodbye to girlhood Heart is burning Hands are clutching I'll keep running Goodbye to childhood I've been looking And i’ve seen nothing This feels like nothing And it feels good Goodbye to girlhood I keep looking I feel nothing Nothing feels good Goodbye to girlhood
11.
In Silence 05:11
Spit it out Complainer In a house on fire Under your skin I know what's under your skin All these arms Made for me To hold me down when I sleep Blessed with visions of these Dreams where I can sit In silence And I made them cut their hair And we slept in the same bed And they tried to understand How it really felt To be quiet To be quiet in a house on fire
12.
Sure Look 04:17
The day you left a knife in my chest Now there's a blade twisting in me Carving a space where you used to be And i don't think that we should speak I scratch my head until it bleeds I don't know why It’s happening to me I don't know how To say these things Sure look sure listen You do it to yourself Sure look sure listen You know yourself
13.
Do you hate me now? I lay here for days Just listening Please love me forever Can’t stop picking at my skin again Please come back sophie I want you to stop me Do you miss me when I'm gone? I look for you constantly i think i still want you to want me Do you hate me now? Can’t look you in the face so i turned away Will you fuck me forever? Can’t stop picking at my skin again Please come back sophie I need you to stop me Do you miss me when I'm gone? I look for you constantly I still want you to want me Everyday is monotony You are still the first of the morning And the last of every night for me I am so tired and embarrassed Constantly
14.
Take 04:00
I am inhuman and I see you all like gods I can't explain who I was last night Salt the wound and cover from head to toe These formalities leave such a shame for us all I am jealous and disgusted by love Please evoke me a feeling give me something to hold Don't ever touch me i will wrinkle and burn Avoidance is next to godliness is something i have learned I can hear the ocean from this house I miss nothing from there but that sound I see god in your eyes almost two years to the day It all broke down I go backwards and i feel like a child Vapid words and plans i tossed aside sent my way again I feel nothing and i take and i take And i listen through the floorboards to everything you say Stay awake and think how nothing will change And I take and I take and I take Stay awake and think how nothing will change

credits

released October 31, 2023

All songs written and performed by Hana Lamari, Lahela Jones, Sophie Dunne and Eilis Mahon.
Recorded, produced and mixed by Peter Ashmore at Orphan Studios, Hellfire Studios and Rose Cottage Studio in 2022.
Mastered by Fergal Davies.
Front cover by girlfriend.
Photography by girlfriend.
Design by Rachael Drennan.

The recording of this album was partially funded by the Arts Council of Ireland.

THANK YOU.

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